What wasn't

40 B4 40
30 days to go

To be fair - I wrote this quite some time ago, and I did so in a full panic (which you'll see below).  Nothing came of the night that this describes, nor of the conversation that seeded my fear, everyone is totally fine and completely still with us.  But it clearly scared the living *%^$ out of me. I just haven't been brave enough to share these words yet.

I share this today to honor Chris Gascoigne, his struggle, and his sister Molly - who I love deeply and with my whole, damaged heart.


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I have no idea where to start and I have no idea where it will all end.

Such a frightening and lopsided place to be.

Is he really making these statements?
Are they better categorized as threats?
Is that over-exaggeration or not enough emphasis?
What does it mean to answer a question of "What do YOU want?" with "I want to die, I want all this to go away and I don't want to have to deal with it anymore."?
What does it mean to give that answer?
What does it mean to hear it?

What the fuck is supposed to happen next?

I can't understand. All I can understand or know is that I can't and don't even come close to understanding or knowing. People think I do, think our shared experience gives me some insight, but I'm completely at a loss. I still see tomorrow, I still believe I have options - thousands of them, I still have more to do.

But I fear that he has a model, a real and viable model. He's seen it, literally seen it, first hand and he knows that, for lack of a better way to put it, that this works. That it's an option. A realistic and easily attainable option. Not that it's easy, but that it is more plausible for him than for someone else who doesn't have the road map, who isn't burdened with the example, who hasn't lived with it in the back of their brain in every moment for the past 2,416 days.

Just one more reason for me to never fully forgive our dad. How could you teach your son that this is an option? How could you leave him with the impression that this is an even remotely legitimate choice? HOW DARE YOU SET THIS EXAMPLE YOU SAD, WEAK, SORRY, SHITBAG EXCUSE OF A MAN.

I have no idea where to start and I have no idea where it will all end.

Someone tell me what to do. Someone tell me where to start. Someone please tell me what to say to make it all better, to stem the tide, to slow this sad, dark march.

What if it's inevitable, what then?

I have no idea where to start and I have no idea where it will all end.
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