Let's Get Physical (II)

Just. Can't. Do. It.

It's a quite rare thing really, something that I've tried to do and been up against the wall, hopeless, frustrated, and ready to give up before I've even gotten started. I think the last thing I felt that I just couldn't do was Teach For America - and we all know how that ended up.

This time though, this thing I can't do, this obstacle I can't seem to topple, well, it's not a job, not a city, not anything out there. It's internal. Not internal exactly - it's me... there's just so much of me!

Apparently these past 7 years of sitting on my ass and generally not caring enough about myself to do much of anything more strenuous than climbing the occasional set of stairs was just the ticket for me to balloon into someone I don't even recognize. And my poor me pity party doesn't stop there. Everything hurts - knees, ankles, neck & back. Shit, even one shoulder (which presumably doesn't have to support any of this magical extra weight) won't cooperate half the time. Delightful.

So I decide, as I do every couple of years, to do something about it. Normally I'd take a dance class or join a gym or pretend to use the elliptical while really just watching the news on those tiny, tiny TVs. This time, however, I'm so out of shape that I'm mortified to do any of this in front of anyone. So - pathetic, yes - workout DVDs it is. Ridiculous, I know. But I figured that I could make a sweaty asshole out of myself in the hidden comfort of my living room first and work my way back to semi-svelte before torturing anyone else with my huffing and puffing, swearing and crying.

Yep - that's all I can muster. Huffing and puffing, swearing and crying. I can't do this. I just spent 45 minutes cursing Billy Fucking Blanks and all his future offspring, not to mention the tiny grinning, high-kicking whore that's in all his videos. I mean, his lovely wife/sidekick/count-out-loud-girl.

I gotta find something better. Swollen knees and wobbly ankles aside, it really is now or never. Blah blah, we're not getting any younger and I, for one, am not happy about it.

Now accepting viable alternatives to berating myself while nearly passing out from the DVD workout hell. All options will be tested for potential compatibility. I don't need (or want) to run a marathon again (once was enough, seriously), I just want my pants to fit. So much to ask?