Livin' in a Moment

You know that pause when you're driving in the rain and you clear an underpass (or is it an overpass? whatever.)? That half-beat where there's no longer the sound of the rain pelting the windshield?

That's my favorite moment.

No really. That pause stops me in my tracks every. single. time. And I say that it's my favorite moment because it's always exactly the same, regardless of time or place, regardless of the road, the rainstorm, the rest of what's happening in Life just then... I hear that pause loud and clear and I am, out of character mind you, slowed down and quiet and focused. If only for the .000001 seconds before being thrown back out into the storm. Plenty of time.

I'm rarely ever in a quiet place. So much so that silence is quite startling at first. After a spell though - a quiet place has its intended effect and I breathe more easily and start to appreciate things like trees and clouds and stars. But day to day, the noise that surrounds us blends into the background. Until it stops, suddenly, swept away into that pause under the overpass where time is stretched and fluid, allowing any number of random thoughts to surface. Thoughts that were likely there all along, but that couldn't push their way through the noise.

Tonight I thought of my mom. In those flashes of quiet on a drive home in the rain, I couldn't stop thinking of her. Or trying to anyway...

I've recently run into a new and paralyzing fear -- that I'm forgetting her. Forgetting what was unique and outstanding and too-good-to-be-true about Marie Wheat. I sort of forget what she looked like, have no idea what she smelled like and can't, for the life of me, tell you anything that she would've chosen to do on a rainy day like today.

Yeah. Sucks, right? Jezus - it's only been 6 years, what kind of mind-trick is this? I remember my phone number from the 3rd grade, but not these details.

Please don't misunderstand. I have, cherish & tell many a story where she features prominently and proudly. But those all revolve around me, or me & Josh, and how she reacted to, taught, inspired or led us in one direction or another. What I no longer have is the picture of Who She Was, independent of being our mom. What did she love to do? To eat? To read? Where did she go for her own quiet moments? What made her laugh 'til she peed her coolots? (Those friggin' coolots!) What music did she love? Who were her "people"? What intimidated her? Who did she intimidate? Who & in what way did she scold or encourage or impact while teaching? What did she want to do when she finally grew up? What in the world was her real hair color?!?

Which brings me back to you, dear reader. For those of you who knew and loved and were lucky enough to have been in her life, I'd love to hear what you remember. What are the moments, the tidbits, that stand out in your memory? Don't be shy and don't hold back. This particular pause in the rain will last as long as we let it...