An Open Letter to NYC

Brooklyn, Bronx, Queens and Staten
From the Battery to the top of Manhattan
Asian, Middle-Eastern and Latin
Black, White, New York you make it happen


I wonder how long 'til people say - Oh Cari? She's from Denver. I hope it takes some time, I like the idea of being a New Yorker (although I'm well aware of being a poser, even in that).



Being a New Yorker means you get away with fast talking, rushing through things, saying what you really mean, jumping to conclusions, and occasionally just being bitchy. Oh Cari? She's a New Yorker. (By way of forgiveness and explanation.) Being a New Yorker means you've lived, at some point in the (increasingly distant) past, a fabulous and high-falutin' life. It means you know some things, have seen some things. Occasionally it means you say "I've got a guy" and some people believe, just a little bit, that you can put a hit on that jerk at work, if you really wanted to. Being a New Yorker means that you've made it - the details are not important, just the zip code.

I relinquished my New York zip code this week. Finally pulled the plug and sold my sweet little jewel-box of a Hell's Kitchen apartment. I do so hope you'll continue to be loved, #N2K. I still say you would've made a great boy band with that name.

Being a Hell's Kitchen girl was maybe even a tad more delicious than being a generic New Yorker. Love when people ask where my apartment is, for cross-streets even, when they know the city well enough to nod and smile and mention a nearby restaurant or the Intrepid or the Red Cross building. Or, if they are New Yorkers who've been away too long, to put them at ease and assure them that it's long-ago well gentrified enough to not be the Hell's Kitchen that they remember.


Leaving San Francisco was a whole different thing. Life was upside down and a fresh start was on the horizon. New York was brash and bold and loud enough to distract me from the fallout of my parents' death. Amy & I would only compare New York to San Francisco for a few months, until we realized our former home was so solidly outdone by our new one that we shifted our focus to falling in love with restaurants, whole city blocks, and green markets in our 'hood. We were, however, on the constant look-out for people who'd been transplanted like us. There's still nothing like finding a West Coaster in the midst of the 9 million for forming fast friendships.


Which is why I'll never be a true New Yorker. While I love the pace and the noise and even the grit (as long as the grit doesn't smell like pee...) - the people that I loved the most while there were all West Coast transplants. We were all posing, and all falling in love with New York as only a transplant can. We were all just enough of a notch behind New York's bitchy, fast paced, go go go speed to see each other, to recognize each other, and to use our precious little extra time to balance the city out. Just a bit. Just enough.

Am definitely sad this week about selling my tiny slice of the Big Apple. That 471 square feet gave me license to at least try to be as brash and bold as New York is. I never lived up to Broadway's bright lights or to Fashion Week's high heels but I did fall and fall hard for my little piece of her.


This breakup is going to be tough to get over... the Beasties, as usual, will help me get through it:

Brooklyn, Bronx, Queens and Staten
From the Battery to the top of Manhattan
Asian, Middle-Eastern and Latin
Black, White, New York you make it happen

Brownstones, water towers, trees, skyscrapers
Writers, prize fighters and Wall Street traders
We come together on the subway cars
Diversity unified, whoever you are
We're doing fine on the One and Nine line
On the L we're doin' swell
On the number Ten bus we fight and fuss
'Cause we're thorough in the boroughs and that's a must
I remember when the Duece was all porno flicks
Running home after school to play PIX * 1
At lunch I'd go to Blimpies down on Montague Street
And hit the Fulton Street Mall for the sneakers on my feet
Dear New York I hope you're doing well
I know a lot's happen and you've been through hell
So, we give thanks for providing a home
Through your gates at Ellis Island we passed in droves

Brooklyn, Bronx, Queens and Staten
From the Battery to the top of Manhattan
Asian, Middle-Eastern and Latin
Black, White, New York you make it happen

The L.I.E. the B.Q.E
Hippies at the band shell with the L.S.D.
Get my BVD's from VIM
You know I'm reppin' Manhattan the best I can
Stopped off at Bleeker Bob's got thrown out
Sneakin' in at 4:00 am after going out
You didn't rob me in the park at Dianna Ross
But everybody started looting when the light went off
From the South South Bronx on out to Queens Bridge
From Hollis Queens right down to Bay Ridge
From Castle Hill to the Lower East Side
From 1010 WINS to Live At Five
Dear New York this is a love letter
To you and how you brought us together
We can't say enough about all you do
'Cause in the city were ourselves and electric too

Brooklyn, Bronx, Queens and Staten
From the Battery to the top of Manhattan
Asian, Middle-Eastern and Latin
Black, White, New York you make it happen

Shout out the South Bronx where my mom hails from
Right next to High Bridge across from Harlem
To the Grand Concourse where my mom and dad met
Before they moved on down to the Upper West
I see you're still strong after all that's gone on
Life long we dedicate this song
Just a little something to show some respect
To the city that blends and mends and tests
Since 911 we're still livin'
And lovin' life we've been given
Ain't nothing gonna take that away from us
Were lookin' pretty and gritty 'cause in the city we trust
Dear New York I know a lot has changed
2 towers down but you're still in the game
Home to many rejecting know one
Accepting peoples of all places, wherever they're from

Brooklyn, Bronx, Queens and Staten
From the Battery to the top of Manhattan
Asian, Middle-Eastern and Latin
Black, White, New York you make it happen

I go out walking,

Big thanks and credit go to Joe who asked me to submit something for the Out of the Darkness Crew Connection newsletter - it was just the push I needed.


It wasn't until my 3rd Out of the Darkness Overnight event that it finally struck me what we were all doing, what we were all saying, WHO we all were. I'd worked on similar types of events for years and the good people who plan and produce The Overnight were just friends I was helping out, just another walk-a-thon, just another night in another park with another group of folks supporting another honorable cause. I'd come to help organize volunteers and to jump in wherever the staff might need me to, an bonus pair of hands who knew her way around a walkie-talkie and a site plan.

Except it wasn't just another walk-a-thon and this wasn't just another honorable cause - it was MY cause and I would soon discover that I was very much not alone, and that I never had been if only I'd paid an ounce of attention.

My father, Curt, shot and killed my mother, Marie, and then took his own life on January 16, 2003. How could I not realize how powerful an entire event focused on suicide would be for me? Even still I'm stunned at how detached I really was from my own story.

So for two years I helped out, loaded and unloaded trucks, herded volunteers, ran errands and generally did whatever was needed. Surrounded by people who'd lost loved ones to suicide, it never even scratched the surface of my own experiences. Until Seattle...

At the 2008 Seattle event, I found myself with a moment of downtime during opening ceremonies and I stood off to one side of the area where all the walkers set out on their long journey, and I watched. And watched. And watched. At some point I realized that there were hundreds, maybe thousands of people headed out on the walk. And hundreds more Crew & Volunteers supporting them. Wait - did all of these people lose a loved one to suicide? Did all of them have a story like mine to tell?

As I realized that I was very much not alone in this mixed up sea of mourning and celebration I caught myself sobbing on the sidelines, and so did a Moto Crew member across the "chute" where walkers were crossing the start line. She wove her way through the crowd and stood next to me, without a word, and held my hand 'til the last walker left. Then off she went to keep the walkers safe throughout the night. Not one word.

Turns out, we are all part of a larger, and unfortunately growing, commuity of people affected by suicide. I was amazed at how many of us there were that night in Seattle. I knew the numbers but I hadn't considered the faces. These were regular people, not scary or sad freaks. These were mothers and sisters and sons and friends. They had families and jobs and lives they were living. They also had the strength and the grace to stand together and talk about their loss, in public, where other people could hear them. No one was hiding their stories, they had them plastered all over t-shirts and signs. They had raised money & awareness by talking to friends and family and coworkers about their incredible losses - can you imagine the bravery? I was beginning to.

That was 4 years ago. I've been telling my story to anyone who'll listen ever since. You can read some of it here: http://butweremakinggoodtime.blogspot.com/2009/06/not-sure-how-to-intro-this-one-so-well.html This will be my 7th Overnight event and I can't wait to see old friends, to Crew alongside my baby brother Josh, to support my dear friend Jen and her family who will participate for the first time since losing their sweet Brian, and to bring some more light to the topic of suicide and to those who are either struggling with their own thoughts or who have been left behind by someone who finally lost that struggle.

What you'll do as an Overnight Crew Member will change your life. I promise. You will not be alone and you will be uniquely suited to help create an evening where some lucky folks will finally realize, just like I did, that none of us are alone, ever. Your time and talent and dedication truly matters - this event would not happen without you.

Think of all those folks that haven't found us yet... let's work together to bring them Out of the Darkness. See you in San Francisco